Monday, May 20, 2013
Learning to let go: A mother's journey of 11
In my last post we were sharing our journey through the holidays and what our families traditions were and what they meant to us and since then we have brought home our new bundle of joy Baby Eli # 11 and recently graduated our 1st oldest son from highschool. Both journeys have been bittersweet in their own way. If someone would have told me almost ten years ago that I would be blessed with 11 children and be walking up to give our oldest his diploma six weeks after the birth of our youngest, I would have just been in disbelief. These moments are still so tender in my heart even as I write this new blog. Within what seemed to be hours from one another was just the beginning of my emotional reality that our children grow up so fast. The week of my due date my husband and I were dropping our son off to spend spring break talking about his future intentions with a special girl of interest and her family. The next minute ( not literally) we were spending 15 hours in labor to see the precious little one who I have carried for 10 months. Who kicked me at the most odd hours of the night and who laid inside of me awaiting the very day we would see one another face to face for the first time. We were over joyed and thrilled to be given the privilege to raise another son and that the good Lord has seen us worthy of this new child.
Born April 6th
But even with the excitement of this new baby I knew what was yet to come. The reality that soon our son would be setting aside all books for the first time in 18 years, That those times spent debating about math problems and what his literature assignment taught him that particular week or second guessing what I may or may not have taught him before these days of graduation began to become a reality. I'd ask myself: "Am I the only homeschool mother out there who was having a hard time seeing these days approaching." Praying that I'd be able to look him in the eye on the day of his ceremony and even keep it together enough to share yet one more word of advice. Wondering if I'd get the look I'd been so familiar with a thousand times that said "Mom it will be ok, I'll be fine." Or would I see a look of uncertainty.
It's hard to describe all the feelings a mother goes through during this time, for me I was excited for his future and what may come of it, and yet sad it was here so quick and done before I was ready, overwhelmed with all the details, and yet proud of the man he has become. Even the sense of accomplishment and all we learned about one another during our homeschool journey tugged at my heart. There has even been moments of second guessing knowing we have 10 more who will go through this same process and what I would have done differently or what I would have kept the same.
Three oldest graduating in 3 yrs together
You spend time asking yourself when did his voice change to where I didn't even recognize it on the other end of the phone, and how it seemed like over night that he started to get facial hair, and become so vocal about which way to part his hair and what brand of jeans he was in to. When was the last time he let you kiss him goodnight and not become so short with you on his text messages. And once he leaves home when will be the next time you'll be able to stay up hours into the night listening to his guitar playing another tune before turning in for the night. All of which seemed to come so quickly. All of which I will miss.
A bittersweet journey all of us moms wouldn't change for the world. To see their first days and rejoice in the many years to come. To be there when they fall and yet willing to pick them up. To support their choices and to advice them, To share in their accomplishments and to cry at their mistakes.
To hear their reasoning and to guide their final decision. To smile when they see you and to cry when they leave. To hug them when they are willing and to say goodbye when they are ready. To pray when they don't realize it and wait to see what the future will bring. To hope for the best and to trust, to assure them "You can always come home" and to seek God in all his ways. All of which I wouldn't change for the world. This is my journey!!!!